Basheer sir told his life experiences in his stories and novels. May be that is why his stories are so strong and moving. I was thinking of writing something which I am experiencing and then this topic popped up. What else can be the apt topic for an ever young (or chronic!) bachelor of 29 years can choose! But being an analytical guy and not a story teller, I ended up writing an analysis!
Now, Amma (Mom) says it is the time for me to get married!
So the question is how do I choose somebody? Oooops, you don't have a gal friend yet :) So no hope now. Only way out is go and ask your parents to search somebody for you! This is the most common and expected answer I keep getting for this question. And they even look at me sympathetically!
Well, they all misunderstood the question. The question was not how I will get somebody. In this country of arranged marriages, it is not really difficult to find somebody and I don't need to worry about that. It was about how do I find the right match for me? What should I look for?
- Beauty
- Intelligence
- Height :)
- Adjusting
- Homely
- Ready to cook, ready to accept male domination, a quiet conventional type!
- A home maker or a money maker (working gal)!
- A chatter box.
- A practical Vs dreamer!
Etc.... Who is a good match for me?!
So how all these married couples have done that... Did they have time to experiment and find out the correct match? Or they just left the most important decision in one’s life to fate!
Now since it is time for me as well, what am I going to do about it?
Analyzing the conventional wisdom of arranged marriages, where a suitable match is found from a similar back ground, I.E. same family type, geographical region, religion, education etc; it suggests to look for similar tastes. And it takes care of a lot of things to help you live together.
Arranged marriage is all about making a match between similar kinds of people. But this goes against the medical wisdom. This says, it is better to have quiet different gene pools for mother and father. That will help to have a strong gene pool for their kids.
Now let us look at the wisdom of loving somebody and getting married? Love at first sight. Love after years of friendship. Let us analyze the chemistry of love. How somebody develops this feelings!
As a male I can give a description of a man's perspective of it, from what I have experienced, read and what others have told me. Man definitely get attracted towards the appearance (I think it is the same for both the genders) at the first sight. Measurement scale of beauty varies from person to person. But in general a good looking girl will attract a man (of any age!). But that attraction is initiated by his animal instincts and not by the desire to make her his partner of life. What ever the emotions he has, when he sees her, I couldn't find any other source (other than his instincts) which is making him attracted towards her.
This attraction will take him near to her. Make him talk to her. Invite her for a dinner or a date. This will last until the initial attraction fades away.From there which direction it will lead, depends a lot on the chemistry between them. And the direction it takes from here will depend a lot on the type of the girl. Men tend to categoris or compartmentalize the gals into the types he is aware of. He tends to analyze and conquer. In most cases the attraction ceases if she submit herself physically or emotionally at an early stage. The relation may still continue but will not be very exciting to the guy.
The guy likes her to keep him excited but at a distance. He gets excited when he could not catch hold of her or she appears to be at the stretch of his hand but he is never able to touch her. She keeps giving him surprises. She is very friendly but he is never able to predict her. She gives him sad moments, she makes him analyze about her body language, words. She starts to dominate his thoughts. And when she is not around, he spends most of his time thinking about her. She likes me ... but then why she said like that... May be she didn't mean that way..Etc etc. This is the beginning. The guy is attracted and he wants her more and more, he doesn’t want to loose her. If it is the uncertainty which keeps him attracted, it is the thought of loosing her which makes him commit and tell her his desire.
The thrill of capturing something or somebody is what driving the men's mind. Here it is capturing her mind. And the emotion is so strong that, he becomes blind to so many other things. She may not be in alignment with most of the conventional wisdom rules. She may be from a different religion/caste, family back ground, and geographical region etc. But he is blind toward these things. He is not satisfied until she tells him that he has captured her mind or she submits herself to him.
So there is no logic here as the match making is concerned. The matching depends not on these emotions, but realities and facts. Once the excitement ceases the realites come up. They may be successful. The strong emotion of love may give them enough courage and energy to overcome many obstacles. And they may live happily ever after!
Now let us look at when a girl decides to make him her life partner. Being a guy and not a psychologist, I am not an expert to write about this. But let me write here what I observed, read, and heard!
Physical appearances make a first impression on girls also. But one thing I have noticed is, unlike men, girls attraction towards look keeps changing and it reduces as she become old. Where as, I think for men, it kind of remains same even at the age of 50!
Mature gals are more attracted towards well natured men than a Tarsen! Where as teenagers and young ladies fall for a Tall, dark (or fair!) and handsome chap. As she ages (matures) she starts to enjoy the beauty of his mind than his body. How he treats her, how he conducts him self, self confidence, being humorous etc become the factors she use to measure the guy.
And it is also true that matured ladies shows a lot of level headedness before committing to any body. And on the other hand, lot of young ones just fall prey of their fantasies and end up in miserable relationships or incidents. Some become mature from these experiences!
And from this it is quiet logical to say that, a relation initiated by a matured lady and agreed happily by guy has a lot of chance of survival in this modern world. And success of such relation ship is quiet high. This is a very general statement and there are exceptions to this. Especially in this modern society where young women are losing the extra sense and sensibility that evolution has given them.
So for me it should be either the lady, whom I respect and love most, selecting a lady for me or a matured girl coming and asking me to get married to her. Let me wait and watch the show :)
